Don’t Adopt
Recently, I came across a powerful article called, Don’t Adopt, written by Dr. Russell Moore, President of the Ethics and Liberty Commission of the Southern Baptist Convention. With permission to share, following is an excerpt from that article. I share it because as I read it the first time, I was amazed at how it describes, pretty much to a tee, without going anymore into specifics, the adoption experience of my sister and me:
We live in a time in which our commitments have become the opportunity often for simply a narcissistic self-realization. Weddings have become events for planners and photographers putting on what seems to be a state dinner honoring the “love of the couple.” Children often become props in a life of parents who are seeking to grasp whatever they believe the world owes them. It’s easier to pull off that kind of an illusion of self-centrality with your engagement photos and wedding party than it is with children, though. Children are alive. Children are persons, with individuality that can’t ultimately be suppressed. Children, of all sorts, are, by definition, unpredictable. Children shatter your life-plan. Adoption certainly does.
It’s worth it.
But Jesus tells us we ought to know that a king going into battle must measure his troops, a tower-builder must count the expenses of the project (Lk. 14:28-31). Those who see adoption as a warm, sentimental way of having a baby are mistaken and dangerous. There are far too many who plunge in without counsel, without a commitment to fidelity no matter what. They search around for a baby who fits their specifications. And babies never fit your specifications…at least not when they grow up.
If what’s behind all of this isn’t crucified, war-fighting, eyes-open commitment, you are going to wind up with a child who is twice orphaned. He or she will be abandoned the first time by fatherlessness and the second time by the rejection of failing to live up to the expectations of parents who had no business imposing such expectations in the first place.
You can read the full article on Dr. Moore’s website here.
How Could This Have Happened?
I’m opening this window to a very painful part of my life that has been ongoing for so many years now to say that verbal or emotional abuse should be viewed by society as equally as unacceptable as physical abuse and in hopes that something can be gleaned from it that can somehow help adoptees, adoptive parents, and prospective adoptive parents in some way, or professionals in the adoption industry to improve in some way the process of adoption.
My mother told me years ago that one of her doctors told her once that she had never grieved the loss of the baby she and my father had lost prior to my adoption. It is imperative that prospective adoptive parents heal emotionally from the very real experience of loss that happens from infertility or other issues relating to not being able to have children biologically. Otherwise, the loss the parents feel will be compounded on top of the loss and trauma of the adopted child, creating an extremely unhealthy environment for the child.
What adopted children need
Because adopted children come with their own very real issues, by no fault of their own, what they need desperately is:
- Parents who see adoption on an equal level (rather than Plan A versus Plan B mentality) with having biological children as a way to grow a family;
- Not only a “forever family” where their physical needs are met, but emotionally healthy parents who will work on hard issues with them, rather than deny them or sweep them under the carpet; and
- Parents who will connect with them emotionally,
- And who will be sensitive to their perspective as they mature and begin to understand on a deeper level what their adoption has meant and the harsh realities that come with that.
Does the Home-study process need to be evaluated?
As an adoptive parent now myself, I know of the long process of getting “approved” to adopt. Yet, in some ways now through my own experiences, I wonder if more needs to be done.
We were required to take an online class to help us understand some of the complexities of international adoption. It was very helpful. But one thing I did feel after having come through the adoption and now having experienced what I have with my personal adoption as a child, is that more training on attachment would be especially helpful for adoptive parents.
If you are a prospective adoptive parent reading this, I would highly recommend the book Attaching in Adoption, by Deborah Gray. It was recommended to me by a fellow adoptive parent and it was an invaluable resource for me in helping my son to form a healthy emotional attachment to John and me during our first months together. I don’t believe I ever attached emotionally to my parents.
The Silver Lining
As difficult as much of my experience has been, there have absolutely been some wonderful moments along the way.
When I began my search for my biological family while in college, an unexpected blessing was that I got to reconnect with my foster parents. My sister and I had been in their care for a few months, and they were such amazing gifts from God in our lives! We have stayed in touch with them and they have continued to love and support us, as if we were their children.
I have also realized that one positive to come out of the nightmare is that I am able to truly empathize with my son. My husband and I brought him home in 2008, and we have already seen glimpses of the impact his earliest life experiences have had on him. It breaks our hearts at times to know what he’s been through emotionally at such a tender, young age.
I do not look forward to the day when he begins to understand the harsh realities of his journey, but I am glad that I will be able to say to him, “I understand,” to tell him that I’ve experienced similar things myself and to pray with him through it all, helping him to find healing from Great Physician.
And lastly, if one person who reads this learns anything from it and it impacts their life or experience in a way that helps another adoptee in some way, then I know a whole lot of good will come out of a whole lot of heartache.
About the Author
Adopted at age 2, grew up in the Charlotte, NC area. Obtained Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology from Appalachian State University. Loves being a Mom of two and taste-testing Chef John's culinary creations and sharing them with readers.
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I was adopted as well when I was 3 along with my 7 siblings to different families. I love my Mom and Dad and I don’t think of them as my adopted parents, they are my parents
That’s awesome that your experience was so positive, Chrissy … as I do believe most really are! I’m glad for you!!
Thank you for sharing this story. I know it must have been hard for you to write but sometimes the hardest ones are the ones that are the most helpful.
Melissa Vera recently posted…Great Deals on Holiday Cards
Thank you, Melissa. That really is my hope. I appreciate your thoughts so much. The response has been so kind and supportive, which means a lot after all that has gone on.
I was so very lucky with the people who adopted me - I was adopted as a baby, I never knew anyone else, I was cared for and accepted by the whole family but I still suffered with awful abandonment issues. I felt as id the person who brought me into the world didn’t want me how could ‘strangers’, I fully believe in many ways it is the reason I suffer with mental health problems so badly. Through everything though my parents have been at my side and that is all I could ask for.
Sarah Bailey recently posted…Travelling Far and Wide for the Best Antique Jewellery the World Has to Offer
Sarah …. I am so glad you had parents who are so supportive of you!! Thank you for sharing your experience. God bless your parents for being such an amazing blessing to you!
I am so sorry you had to go trough this. I agree, that adoption shouldn’t be a plan B.
Thank you, Angela.
I like that you ended the story on a positive note (and I agree, empathy is a good thing even if it comes about in a way we wouldn’t expect). I also agree that it’s good to get things out rather than have them all to yourself, especially when the thing you would be holding in would be so very big and hard to carry just alone. Thank you for sharing.
Rosey recently posted…HoMedics #PledgetoRelax Contest
Thank you, Rosey. I do try to focus on the positive, even when it can be hard! I feel like there is most always something good to find in any circumstance if you look hard enough.
I can partially relate to some of this. Adoption isn’t always a bad thing as their are many who do it and everything turns out fine.
I was adopted. My mother is my biological mother, but my father adopted me when they got married. My bio father wanted nothing to do with me, even after I was born and my mother went over to his house to see him/his parents and show them the newborn baby. I was born 3 months early with a host of health problems. I died not once, but three times. I lived in the hospital for a good 6-7 months. So he had plenty of time to gather his thoughts about my birth. He never did. He came out of the house and shoved me and my mom back in the car. I didn’t know this until much later is life as I didn’t find out I was adopted until I was in my 20s. I’m 39 now.
My bio father raised me. He came from a terrible house of family of dark secrets. My mom never knew until it was too late. You see, my adopted father molested me for 12 years. I never had a normal childhood. I never knew what it was like to be loved the right way by a father for both had treated me as if I were a piece of trash to be used whenever.
It took a long time for my mother and I to get out of that situation. Part my fault because I did not tell her what was happening until much later, only to find out my adopted dad had gone through much worse. I made the choice that I was not going to let what happened to me cause me to be a statistic. I was going to be better than that.
In my mid 20s, I found out I was adopted. I was shattered to know that my adopted father, the one who abused me, wasn’t even really my dad. My mother told me the story of my real dad but she refused to tell me who he was. I had a cousin help with that and eventually found my bio father. We talked for a few months and then he got cold feet and told me never to contact him or his family again.
I have a half brother and sister who have no idea I exist. Now I live in the same state as them and not a day goes by when I dont consider reaching out to them.
I have not been able to have kids of my own. I have PCOS which prevents me from having children. I dont have insurance, so no fertility treatments. Besides, my age and health problems prevent me from being a candidate. I’ve looked into adoption, but it’s very expensive unless you go through the state adoption/foster program.
Their are many forms of adoption, ages, styles, and so on. Not all kids are going to have abandonment issues. If you get an infant from an orphanage overseas and you are always open and honest about why they came to America, you have a better chance of teaching them to cope in a loving way.
Adoption is not for everyone. It is not the same for everyone. Maybe someday I will be able to adopt. Maybe not. But, whatever I have to go through, it will be worth it to know I helped a child who needed a home.
Chrystal @ YUM eating recently posted…Twice Baked Chicken Legs
Oh, goodness, Chrystal. I am so, so sorry for all you have been through. I know all about “family secrets”. That’s a big part of the dysfunction I mentioned. Maybe the ones in this family aren’t quite as “bad” but the whole thing of secrecy created quite the environment for what has now evolved. Now people must decide if they are going to face it for the good of the family or let the family just fall apart. A family can only be healed if all parties are willing to do the hard work, so we’ll see.
You made some very good points and it seems you, too, have much insight from all you have gone through. I will pray for you and do hope that you are able to adopt! I will see if I can find an email on your blog …. I have some experience and information that may interest you about adoption grants.
I am so sorry for you, adoption should be something people want; not just some other choice. It may have been hard, but it’s not about what happened in the past but what you make of your future!
celebbabylaundry recently posted…Blake Lively: My Family Will Influence How I Raise My Baby
My dad adopted us when we were little. Later on my left us and he remarried and she adopted us. My mom was a blessing from above. She is amazing. But I never connected with my dad. Today we still often talk. He always says he loves us but yet never hear or see him. I have t seen him in 3 years. And often avoids me if I am in town. My adoption story wasn’t the best experience but that has made me love and care for my boys better. KnowING I never want that/this pain for them. no child should ever feel as if they are plan B or unaccepted. My uncle did adopt 2 kids and I have to say he is an awsome dad to them. He never treats them as if they weren’t his. Cause they are his. Him and his wife have very warming hearts and they make amazing parents. My prayers are with you and your family.
I am glad you got to see both “sides” of it in your family but hurt along with you that your situation was similar to ours. Of course…. most will SAY they love you. I was told this emphatically today by another family member …. “Your mom does love you and (your sister).” Right ….. well, as they say actions do speak louder than words and words only go so far when there are actions that do not back up the words. When a child reaches a certain age, if it is not sincere they most likely will begin to see it for what it is. I’m so sorry that also was your experience.
I’m sorry that you had a bad experience. I hope though that it is a saving grace for others.
Amanda recently posted…Where To Send Letters To Santa & Get a Response
Thank you, Amanda. Me, too, truly.
I’m really sorry you had this painful experience, but I’m glad it has made you strong and helped your relationship with your son.
Ave recently posted…CraftyCroc Liquid Chalk Markers – Perfect Gift for Craft Lovers!
Thank you, Ave.
It might have.. been so hard and took so much courage for you to even post this.. but thanks for letting us know. Our have our prayers for this one…
Aisha Kristine Chong recently posted…The Three Keys for Successfully Buying a Designer Handbag
I just want to say this your story broke my heart but I think the experience has probably made you that much better of a mother because you know the pain you have gone through.
This is very emotional and very sad. I will say a prayer for you and your family, especially your sister. I can’t even imagine the pain that you both have went through. It is hard to imagine sometimes what people go through.
My father was not adopted but was placed in a Catholic orphanage with his 6 siblings at a young age and both parents were living. When they all turned 14, they were “farmed” out so to speak all to different families all over the state. He was unfortunate to land with a not very nice or good family who pretended they were taking him in out of the goodness of their heart, but in reality were just using him as cheap labor. It was a different time and a different generation but over they years I have thought about how difficult it must have been for him and his siblings. Some of them landed in very good and loving homes. He did not.
It is a good thing that you will be able to help your son understand or answer some of his questions.
It’s really sad, parenting isn’t something people should do because they want to; it’s something people should really be prepared for. It takes a lot, I am so sorry for you!
Our Family World recently posted…Tips For Dealing With Anonymous Cyber Bullies
I honestly have nothing to say that could make this any better. Know that my heart hurts for you though. Huge hugs to you.
Stefany recently posted…Cameras to make you swoon from Best Buy
Thank you, Stefany … and trust me, I understand that totally. It is hard to explain to people who’ve never experienced this level of dysfunction before what it is like or to think they could even begin to understand or know what to say. It has always stuck out to me how when something horrible happens, perpetrated by someone, people who know that someone will always say, “I could never have imagined them doing this. I’m shocked.” Well, people can put up a good front and fool lots of people. That is for sure.
I’m so sorry! I couldn’t imagine. My aunt and my dad were adopted and theyve never really talked about it so I wonder how they feel!
Thank you for sharing your story with us. Adoption is multi-faceted for the people who adopt and for the children who are adopted.
Tough Cookie Mommy recently posted…How Can You Protect Your Family Against West Nile Virus? @AMCAupdates #Ad
I am so sorry you had to go through that. Adoption should never be a plan B.
I have always been the unwanted child in my family. My mother planned to give me up for adoption but changed her mind last minute because my grandfather threatened to cut her from his will if she did (he was very staunchly catholic) It would have been better if she had as I lived with resentment and a feeling of unwantedness everyday of my life.
Nicole recently posted…Adding to the family: Introducing a new baby to your special needs only child
Nicole …. I am so, so sorry.
I’m sorry you having such a very hard time. I know that I love my children and would do anything that they needed to help them get out a situation like this.
Rena McDaniel recently posted…GOING TO THE SUN AT GLACIER NATIONAL PARK, MONTANA
Thank you, Rena. I know that most parents would, thankfully!!
I think those who adopt are amazing! The stories I know are of much love and successful family relationships. I can only hope more of these multiply
coolchillmom recently posted…Tips on How to Wrap a Car – Holiday Gift Guide
Yes, I know that most of the adoption stories are happy-ending stories. I am so glad that’s the case for most children.
Wow. What a horrible story. I’m so sorry for what you’ve had to go through, but it certainly seems to have made you a very strong woman.
Krystal recently posted…Wine Cork Christmas Card Holder
Thank you, Krystal. Know that saying, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”? I’d say it is true for the most part.
I’m sorry that this is your experience. I’ve only known of really happy adoptions, we have a few adopted in our family and they are very much wanted and loved.
Lesley recently posted…Fisher-Price Little People Music Parade Ride-On Car
Thanks, Lesley. I’m so glad that has been the experience in your family.
I agree that adoption should not be plan B! Adopting a child is a wonderful thing and a great way to give love to someone who needs it, not an alternative to having your “own” children.
Adoption is such a beautiful, altruistic thing. I agree that it shouldn’t just be a plan B. It’s about what the orphaned kids need, not what the adopting parents want.
Liz Mays recently posted…‘Tis the Season to #GiftSmart with RadioShack
I’m so sorry this has been your experience! I know many others who have had the opposite, and my husband and I are currently considering it, as well.
Kristen from The Road to Domestication recently posted…How to Care for Your Tableware!
My sister in law adopted two children and I worry what they may have to deal with as they grow up.
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Hi Heather …. loving parents will get their children the help they need and do whatever it takes to work through issues. I know that most situations end well. I know there are plenty of stories of situations that did not, but I do believe it is the exception rather than the rule. I will pray for your sister in law and her children!